It's Saturday morning and I'm having breakfast at my favorite place by myself! Caregiving is sacred work and it's hard work especially if that caregiving is 24/7. There are so many external things requiring your time and energy tt's very easy to lose yourself. We get so involved with caring for others that often we forget who we are outside of being a caregiver. I used to have a button when I was a teenager that said "Be yourself no one else wants the job." But how can you be yourself if you no longer know who you are? Stubborn me, I thought well, I'm my mom's daughter and I was her caregiver and she raised me to be a strong independent woman so that's who I am. One day my aunt vocalized the truth that I had avoided. At one point she and I were alone in the room of the funeral home with his body in the casket the day he passed and she said "I don't know who to be without him." That statement hit me like a ton of bricks. Here was my aunt who had cared for my Uncle after his cancer diagnosis vocalizing in a matter of hours what I was only beginning to realize almost three years after my mom's death. "I don't know who to be."
My mom God bless her, gave me as many opportunities to take time off to do what I wanted as she could when I was her caregiver. Even so, after she died she left a void, which I needed filled because I didn't know who I was outside of a caregiver anymore. I thought I had become the strong independent woman when I moved from California to Oklahoma. I became a homeowner of my very first home that wasn't my mom's, I had my dream car, I was surrounded by my family and yet unbeknownst to me the void was still there. As my medical intuitive said I was trying to fill the void with other people. At the time I thought she meant I was looking for another mother figure to fill the void. In retrospect I think what she was referring to was I was looking to fill the void as a caregiver. I allowed people into my home whom I thought needed caring for and whom I allowed to take advantage of me and who encouraged some my unhealthy behaviors. Once I encouraged their departure from my home things started to fall into place. I still didn't necessarily know who I was but I was finally ready to rediscover myself.
God, however, is not without irony and provided me with a job as a personal care aide, in other words a professional caregiver. However, through the course of my job I met other caregivers and members of the community. First, I met my cousin's friend who is studying to become a Certified nursing assistant and she turned me onto a reiki group here in town. Then I met members of a genealogy group and then a writer's group. I would hear about these things and remember parts of who I was outside of a caregiver. I am a writer, I am interested in genealogy, I am as Dr. Wayne Dyer said a "spiritual being living a temporary human existence." I am that I am. The more I got to know myself again the healthier I became in body mind and spirit.
I am discovering myself again I still don't know what the future holds or who I will become next but the thought for the first time in a long time excites rather than frightens me.
I leave you with this question "Outside of being a caregiver, who are you?"
My mom God bless her, gave me as many opportunities to take time off to do what I wanted as she could when I was her caregiver. Even so, after she died she left a void, which I needed filled because I didn't know who I was outside of a caregiver anymore. I thought I had become the strong independent woman when I moved from California to Oklahoma. I became a homeowner of my very first home that wasn't my mom's, I had my dream car, I was surrounded by my family and yet unbeknownst to me the void was still there. As my medical intuitive said I was trying to fill the void with other people. At the time I thought she meant I was looking for another mother figure to fill the void. In retrospect I think what she was referring to was I was looking to fill the void as a caregiver. I allowed people into my home whom I thought needed caring for and whom I allowed to take advantage of me and who encouraged some my unhealthy behaviors. Once I encouraged their departure from my home things started to fall into place. I still didn't necessarily know who I was but I was finally ready to rediscover myself.
God, however, is not without irony and provided me with a job as a personal care aide, in other words a professional caregiver. However, through the course of my job I met other caregivers and members of the community. First, I met my cousin's friend who is studying to become a Certified nursing assistant and she turned me onto a reiki group here in town. Then I met members of a genealogy group and then a writer's group. I would hear about these things and remember parts of who I was outside of a caregiver. I am a writer, I am interested in genealogy, I am as Dr. Wayne Dyer said a "spiritual being living a temporary human existence." I am that I am. The more I got to know myself again the healthier I became in body mind and spirit.
I am discovering myself again I still don't know what the future holds or who I will become next but the thought for the first time in a long time excites rather than frightens me.
I leave you with this question "Outside of being a caregiver, who are you?"
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