The Safe Target

It happens in every family relationship. There is always one person who is the “safe target,” the one who gets picked on the most. There are various reasons this happens, psychologist and psychiatrists earn thousands of dollars helping people trying to figure out why they are always the ones getting picked on. There are various theories of course, the “kick the dog syndrome” which is the pecking order of picking on someone dad picks on mom and mom picks on the kids and the kids pick on the pets.

It sucks, when you happen to be the “safe target.” You get picked on, yelled at, put upon and genuinely driven out of your mind. It’s frustrating because many times family members will deny they single someone out, either out of guilt or out of a genuine lack of recognition. Sometimes, even when both parties recognize the pattern you still end up repeating it. For example, my mom and I recognize that we do it to each other, we cry, we apologize to each other and we still end up doing it again. It happens more often when the parties live together and work together. There’s no getting away from each other. With family it’s especially difficult because you know exactly what buttons to press to make the other person lose their minds. Rather than avoid those buttons, which common sense tells you would be the more prudent course of action, you go straight for the jugular.

First lady Eleanor Roosevelt once said ““No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” So how do we withhold our consent? How do we get to a point where we break the pattern of being the “safe target?” I am convinced at some point scientists may figure out the some genetic predisposition for continuing the cycle and come up with some psychotropic medication to “fix” it. Even now, as a society people are so desperate to get away from feelings of inferiority they self medicate with alcohol or drugs or other forms of legal and illegal activities. The problem is when they come up for air the feelings of inferiority are still there and often have been compounded by the addiction.

What if however, we were to change our point of view? Instead of feeling inferior or pissed off, what if we were instead to feel lucky or blessed or even flattered that we were chosen to the “safe target?”  Right about now, you’ve read the last line and went “WTF?!” I’m the “safe target” for my mom and no there are times I don’t feel blessed or even flattered. I get pissed off even though I know she’s my mom and I love her.  There is a morning mediation I do sometimes to Carolyn Myss in which she talks about being with “difficult companions.” She says to acknowledge that this is a difficult companion and that you may be a difficult companion for that person. She goes on to acknowledge that forgiveness is not easy but that you should ask God, or the Universe or whatever higher power you believe in for help. In other words you focus on the “safe” part of “safe target” rather than just the target. You’re the one who the person feels safe with. They know you may blow up and walk away for a while but they also know you will come back. They subconsciously feel if they were to pick on, yell at, or put upon someone else, they risk that person leaving for good rather than temporarily driving you out of your mind. “If I change my point of view, does this mean that you change too?” ~BROTHER “The Crow”